Monologue: Hi, I’m an Empath Now – McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Hi there. You probably know me best from my angry tweets about rich people, white feminists, and men in general. When I’m not busy being outraged, I occasionally tweet about Mercury Retrograde or Netflix’s Dumplin’.

You may get confused as to why I have so much emotion all the time, so it’s important for me to speak my truth. And quite frankly, I’m kind of upset that I’m the one who had to bring it up. It’s very important that you understand that I am an EMPATH. Being an EMPATH means that I am particularly sensitive to all those around me, and feel their emotions very deeply.

For example, even though I am a white cis-woman, my status as an EMPATH means that every act of racism hits me just as deeply as it hits people of color. When white women writers pen personal essays disagreeing with Marie Kondo’s philosophies, my heart aches for their ignorance of Asian culture — just as much as if I were Asian. And if you can’t understand that, you are an emotional vampire.

This is also why transphobia can totally wreck my month: It’s because of my giant heart. As an EMPATH, I just feel so intensely that it’s basically like I’m transgender. And thus totally equipped to be a spokesperson for the non-binary peoples of America.

Speaking of peoples, it hurts me so much when white people use words like “spirit animal” in their everyday language. When you say “spirit animal,” it feels like rich white men are burrowing the Dakota Access Pipeline right through the backyard of my own Williamsburg townhouse!

My high level of sensitivity also makes me extremely susceptible to overheard microaggressions. If you work with me, you should probably understand that it’s completely on you to manage my deep emotional sympathies. For example, yesterday Paul from Accounting totally called everyone in the business development meeting “guys,” and I cried for hours (in between tweets). I mean, there were women-identified people in that meeting! They acted like they didn’t notice, but my empath nature was completely wrecked until I could go to the office nap room and sleep it off.

Being an empath also means that I get overwhelmed easily. My heart is so heavy with the other peoples’ trauma that I need to hole up in my bed for a few days to feel “normal” again. Because of this, it’s important that you understand I will not fulfill any duties whatsoever while I am in recuperation mode and I’d thank you very much to feed my cats.

This is me and this is who I am. I will not apologize for feeling so deeply and being completely annoying at parties. In the long three-day journey it’s taken me to find out about empaths on Elite Daily and subsequently self-define as one, I’ve overcome a lot. My identity as an empath has truly given me the freedom to be myself. Thank you for listening, even though it would’ve been totally shitty if you didn’t. I look forward to you walking on eggshells around me until a new personality type is trending.