I’ve had many clients tell me the story of how their relationship was going wrong. What they couldn’t see was how easy it is to mistake the energy of lust for love. I’d like to introduce you to a shamanic way of thinking about relationships a way of making sense about what is going wrong or what could go wrong and how you can make sure the relationship you’re in doesn’t break or how you can get into a relationship and make it work out the way you want when you learn to see in a different way.
Your feelings may be so strong that you’re convinced it can’t be anything else other than love. But half of the people who are so sure that they love each other that they get married end up getting divorced. Part of why this happens is the complaint is: “You’ve changed!!” Or: “You’re not the person I fell in love with!!”
The reality of life is that change naturally happens and relationships can’t survive if they are built one dimensionally where there are limited connections between people.
From a shamanic perspective, there are cords of energy naturally connecting people. The more cords the stronger the connection. You build these cords by the different things you like about a person. So the more cords the stronger and durable the connection.
A cord of sexual attraction is very strong and powerful but it is just one cord. And if there aren’t that many other cords holding you together those connections can grow weaker or even snap.
This sexual cord of attraction is so powerful that it gets mistaken for love. And marriages and relationships get destroyed because you can generate a cord of attraction to someone else.
But it is just one cord.
Love is the multidimensional connection of many cords.
The more cords the more love is present. So you can desire someone sexually and you can also want to do other things, non-sexual things with them. The more of these connections there are the more love there is because you feel a pull towards this person. This is the pull from the cords that are connecting you.
This will start to make intuitive sense to you the more you think about when you have experienced this. The pull was there and it didn’t make conscious sense to you why it was just there.
You can cultivate your cords, nurture them, and you nurture the relationship because life-giving energy flows both ways. So you need to be careful of negative thinking which generates negative energy and you can make other people feel bad just by feeling bad yourself. But you also make other people feel good by feeling good yourself. This is why people you’re close to can tell when you’re lying or when you don’t want to talk about something that’s happened to you. Or when you’re pretending to be happy but aren’t.
If you can’t feel this from your partner you’re already in the process of disconnecting, the relationship is breaking. If you built a shallow relationship the connections aren’t there to hold you together.
In traditional first-world cultures, the sense of tribe or community was very strong. There were many cords connecting all the people. Because it was normal to be healthy, people had a healthy connection to their environment and didn’t disrespect it. Because they had a healthy connection with themselves they didn’t disrespect themselves and drink too much or eat too much of the wrong things. And because they felt healthy it was natural to know what a healthy relationship felt like.
Body-based feelings are the foundation for how we think but we forget that they are constantly influencing how we think.
And how we influence our body through what we eat, drink, and physically do. Whether that is exercise we enjoy doing or exercise we don’t enjoy doing. Or even how much we sit down and whether we are sitting comfortably or in a draft that makes us feel too cold or is refreshing. There is this constant flow of information that is changing how we think. And we’re mostly unaware of that. We’re unconscious to ourselves. We’re numb to feeling our life energy.
But if you start by becoming aware of how you are influencing yourself and start influencing yourself to feel good and even to the extent of feeling love for yourself. By loving yourself you’re building the energetic capacity to love others.
It’s natural to feel good when other people show attraction towards you. But you can make yourself dependent on others for that energy if you aren’t generating it yourself. This can become pathological, it can become harmful to yourself because it’s a drug you grow to crave and end up addicted to.
This leads to the idea of seduction where you have to persuade or trick someone into believing that they like you. Remember that this is all about energy. And about where you get that energy from.
Are you naturally generating that energy yourself and so become attractive? Or are you trying to seduce and take that energy from someone else?
Generating the energy is healthy, taking it is parasitic like a vampire feeding on their prey.
Generating the energy comes from love. Taking the energy comes from fear, anger and hate.